Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Almost There

So I am one of those people who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst, I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing but come Thursday I'm going to find out.  Two more days until we find out if our ride on the IVF roller coaster has been successful and so far I've done a pretty good job of not climbing the walls in anticipation.  It may sound strange but I find solace in the not knowing, I almost don't want to get the results because they may not be what I want to hear.  For the first time I'm nervous about finding out, I'm even dreaming about it.  Last night I dreamed that we found out it didn't work, I don't know how to interpret this, normally I think dreams are trying to tell us something, today I think that theory is bunk. 

I am trying to stay busy, to not think about the possibility of success or failure but the closer I get to finding out the harder that gets.  Part of me wants to get excited at the thought of a positive result, the elation Brady and I will feel and the excitement of knowing that we may finally have a child to shower with love.  But then I remember back, our first pregnancy and the IUIs and the agony of bad news.  I want to get excited, I want to get my hopes up, but I don't know how I can handle the fall if the news is bad.  So we wait, and I keep walking this fine line of hoping and preparing.  I don't know if I will ever be ready to hear the results but I know regardless if they are yay or nay that our journey to have a family isn't over, and there is solace in that too. 

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