Thursday, September 23, 2010

De`ja Vu

I was hoping this wasn't going to happen.  I knew it would be impossible to keep the agony of our miscarriage last fall from the back of my mind throughout this pregnancy but I honestly thought that we were going to make it through the first trimester without a scare, until last week.  Out of the blue and completely unexpectedly, I began spotting.  I've been really good about going to acupuncture and working on my breathing and maintaining low stress levels but the spotting kind of blew all that out of the water.  It's the thing no pregnant woman ever wants to see and given our history it's especially nerve wracking.  I knew better than to call the magic man at 9pm crying hysterically so I patiently waited until 7 am the next morning.  He did his best to assuage my fears and calm me down, and I did my best to listen to him but all I heard was "blah blah blah we have to wait until Monday for an ultrasound".  To clarify, I began spotting on Wednesday evening and was talking to him Thursday morning, that meant I was going to have to wait 5 DAYS to have the reassurance I was seeking.  5 DAYS!  In the meantime I was told to limit my activity and go on bed rest for the following couple of days and then modified bed rest until the Ultrasound, oh and to try to relax.  Right, like that is even possible for me under the best of circumstances, let alone under duress.  It was going to be a long weekend.  To make matters worse, it was my birthday weekend, and the 1 year anniversary of the sadness of last fall.  So I cancelled my birthday plans and got cozy on the couch and had myself a little self indulgent pity party.  It was seriously the longest 5 days of my life.  Brady was a complete rock star (naturally) optimistic and cheerful, dabbing my tears and even cooking me a birthday dinner because we couldn't go out.  Monday morning finally arrived and we headed into the city, both of us nervous and anxious to see our little ones and hear some good news.  Laying on the table with Brady seated next to me (he was worried he was going to either pass out or puke so he opted to not stand) we got started and the magic man was quick to shout out when he saw the two heartbeats.  There they were, going strong and even moving around like crazy.  I have never been so relieved in my entire life.  I hadn't cried at any of the previous ultrasounds but I did at this one.  All the built up stress and anxiety of the previous 5 days just came pouring out, I couldn't help it.  Post ultrasound the magic man went ahead and cleared me to start seeing my normal doc, he shook our hands, I felt like I should  hug him or something,  but it seemed werid with me being half naked and all. 

I am aware that I have complained about bed rest in the past, lamented about laying around and feeling like a slug but I've seen the light.  I have a whole new appreciation for what doing a big bunch of nothing can do for the body.  I'm a woman of extremes and something tells me I just might take this whole bed rest thing and run with it.  It isn't terribly hard these days, when the morning sickness lasts all day and the most I am able to even think about eating is plain bagels and mac and cheese (which I haven't eaten since college).  We aren't sure what caused the spotting but earlier that day I had spent out and about, shopping, running errands and generally engaging in more activity than I had in the previous weeks.  I haven't been able to exercise per doctors orders since the transplant of the eggs and I had been really good about avoiding anything strenuous. I hadn't thought that a day of shopping would be potentially dangerous but I am playing it safe from here on out, at least until we are safely into the second trimester.  We met with my regular OBGYN (McAwesome) a couple of days later and started the "normal" pregnancy doctor visits.  It's a pretty interesting contrast from the weekly ultrasounds and blood draws we've been spoiled with during the IVF process, still it's reassuring to know we've made it to this point. 

Now I am not saying that the stress of the last week is any excuse for my not posting on here, I realize I've been pretty lame about keeping everyone posted and I promise to do better in the coming weeks.  After all we have three more weeks to go until we are in the second trimester, that's a lot of bed rest people and I will need something to keep me occupied.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Ignorance is Bliss

This is my new motto.  My mother has jokingly said this for years and while I get the basic gist of it I think for the first time in my life I have a real appreciation for what it can mean.  Since finding out we were pregnant and then that our little beans are growing a little slow I've been a nervous wreck.  I know this is not good for the babies or my mental state (or Brady's sanity), every article I read or message board I find seems to give me something else to stress out about.  I know this is probably not the intention of the authors but I am seriously over analyzing every aspect of my body and this pregnancy with every "normal" number range and "whats safe?" list. I find it insane that the UK version of a certain popular baby website lists all kinds of wonderful cheeses that are safe during pregnancy but the American version tells me they are all off limits, clearly someone stateside is attempting to end my ongoing love affair with Pecorino Romano and Feta.  Am I drinking enough water? Consuming enough calories? Should I be taking two prenatal vitamins every day since I have two babies?  It's never ending and has been driving me crazy.  On Wednesday I made an appointment with my fantastic acupuncturist and she gave me the best advice ever.  When discussing things that have been causing stress over the last week (she's attempting to help me stay zen) she suggested that too much information can be a bad thing.  "Your body knows exactly what it needs right now, forget the web pages and books, just listen to what your body is telling you. Eat, sleep and drink lots of water, that's all you need to worry about right now because the rest is completely out of your hands".  I realize she is right and this knowledge is surprisingly freeing.  I've put away all the baby books for now, vowed to not open the web browser to baby sites and just focus on listening to what my body tells me to do.  It seems so simple I feel a little ridiculous for not realizing it myself.   

Several people have had less than enthusiastic reactions to hearing we are having twins and I think the same rule applies.  We have no idea what we are in for here people, we have no other children, we don't know what midnight feedings are like or how many diapers we will go through or how overwhelmed we will be and I think it's this ignorance that allows us to be excited.  People think we are nuts to be thrilled but we don't know to worried about the lack of sleep or costs of twins.  We are clueless, we accept this, we know it will be hard but there are people out there who go through much more difficult things every day, they manage and survive and so will we.  In the meantime I am going to stick my head back in the sand and enjoy my four hour afternoon naps and daydreams of our happy little family that sleeps through the night and has no poopy diapers.