The Wall

It's official.  Any hope I had of making it through this process without hitting the wall and completely breaking down is gone and that thing I said about trading the three tummy shots for the one intramuscular?  I take it all back.  Last night started the progesterone shots and I completely lost it at the mere sight of the needle.  It's that bad.  Or I am just that much of a wimp, I can't decide which. 

Now that we have grown the eggs and harvested them we are on to preparing my body for implantation and maintenance of early pregnancy should the implantation be successful.  This means hormones.  Let the fun begin. The Progesterone is the only one given in shot form, in addition I am taking Medrol (low dose steroid) and Estrace (estrogen).  Now normally I like to think I am a pretty even keeled person, I'm not claiming to be the patron saint of reason or anything but generally I can make it at least a couple of days without crying for no reason.  Not so much the case anymore.  I would try to describe how off balance I feel but it might set off the waterworks again.  Last night when Brady got the gear out to give me my progesterone shot I had no idea I was going to lose it.  I was feeling fine and then I saw the needle and remembered it was intramuscular and I just broke down.  I don't know whats wrong with me, I'm a tough girl, I've run marathons, I should not be crying like a little kid at the mere thought of a shot.  This shot has to go in at a specific location on my hip and also has to be administered in a specific amount of time to help the progesterone be absorbed into the body.  If you go too fast you end up with these lumps of it in your muscle and increased discomfort so they tell you to take a full minute to administer the injection.  I lean over the counter and bury my face in my now trusty blanket and stand pigeon toed.  Standing this way helps me to not tense my muscle which supposedly helps the shot go in easier.  The initial injection part goes smoothly but then I start counting and suddenly I can feel the shot all the way down my left leg.  At first I tell myself that I am overreacting and that there is no possible way I can feel something in my shin that is being administered into my hip.  After what seems like an eternity Brady withdraws the needle and I proceed to freak out.  My entire leg feels weird, the only way I can even try to describe it is that it's this like cringe worthy nails on a chalkboard kind of sensation.  I know the intramuscular shots will make me sore, but I didn't think it would be this immediate.  I lay down and have Brady put a heating pad on the injection site.  I've been told this along with massage of the spot will also help the progesterone disperse into my body better and help with the pain.  So I'm laying there crying while Brady administers the heat and massage and I am asking myself how it is I am going to be able to do this every night.  I have no answer for this.  After a few minutes I grab my laptop and google intramuscular progesterone shots and discover that the pain in my leg is probably due to Brady hitting a nerve while giving the injection.  I didn't even know that was possible?  Brady had given my shot well within the specified target area drawn on by the RN at our last visit to the doc, my HCG shot that I got intramuscularly two days before egg retrieval didn't feel like this and it is this thought alone that gives me hope.  I limp upstairs and as I lay in bed I try to tell myself to buck up.  I can do this the easy way or the hard way, it's all about how I choose to approach it.  We knew this wasn't going to be a bag fun and we are so close. I fall asleep thinking of ways I can make this shot more bearable.

I wake up this morning and feel like an invalid.  Ok maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but seriously, walking down the stairs to make coffee I feel like I've just had hip replacement.  I hurt and I'm cranky.  This is an awesome combination, especially for my darling husband.  I feel bad for him, he has been super strong and a complete trooper through all of this so I try to tread extra lightly in my crazy emotional state.  Walking is hard, and trying to find a comfortable sitting position has become a challenge.  I think all day about the night's shot and I am ashamed to say I didn't do much better tonight.  We tried for the shot in the dining room this evening (it has a nice view of the sunset) and I was all ready and Brady hesitated (I was leaning too low and he was worried about hitting bone) and I yelled "just do it" and then I stood up and started crying again.  I am officially afraid of this shot and Brady is officially miserable.   We move to the kitchen and try again, I am crying and again the needle goes in smooth.  This feels better, not like yesterday.  We count together and a minute later it's over.  I have soreness again but it's not like last night.  This I can handle.  I wipe my tears and Brady preps the heating pad.  Tonight was better, and I am hoping it gets a little easier every day.  I am a little worried about Friday, I am heading out of town with some family and Brady has to work which means my little sister is going to have to give me this shot.  I am hoping it's not as bad by then, I am hoping I won't cry and I hope that she isn't traumatized by having to do this.  Then I remember that she is my little sister, I think of all the times when we were kids and I was mean and teased her and I find myself thinking that I should worry a little less about her and a little more about karma coming back to literally bite me in the butt.