First Week

And I made it.  The first week of our IVF drug protocol is over and surpisingly it wasn't that bad.  Brady has been rocking the injections with the magic touch and managed to not pass out even once.  We have now gone to both of our classes and are heading into the docs this week for our "supression" check. It feels like forever ago that I was scared and nervous.  It's also been forever since I thought about all of this producing an actual baby. Since we started this whole process we have been so focused on the ins and outs of the shots and pills and appointments that I kind of lost sight of what it's all for.  We have been distracted by the details.

In our second class (actually the first in the series that we had to take backwards) they discussed the outcome possibilities and the mere mention of the phone call where they potentially tell you that it didn't work made me cry.  I've done two IUI's now and each phone call telling me it didn't work reduced me to a mess of tears and dispair.  I know it's inevitable that I become attached to the possibility of a pregnancy, but it is hard knowing that after all of this that I might still be on the other end of that "I'm sorry" phone call.  Class got me thinking about that alot.  They tell you that after the supression and then the stimulation when they go in you might have 20 follicles to retrieve eggs from.  Out of those 20 follicles you might get 15 eggs, of those 15 maybe 12 will be mature enough to be fertilized.  Of the 12 that you can fertilize maybe 10 will actually fertizile and of those 10 you might get 6 good quality embryos after three days.  From those 6 you may get 4 that make it after 5 days.  That means if you're lucky, out of 20 follicles you will get 4 embryos. 4. Two of which the magic man will implant and the others we would freeze.  Just looking at those numbers kind of depresses me. 

When we first started this whole thing I was so anxious and confused and nervous I didn't really think about the possiblity that it wouldn't work.  I mean all the money and drugs (woah that sounds bad) and the fact that an actual fertilized embryo is being implanted into my uterus and it still might not work?  It's a pretty devastating thought.  I don't want to really think about what I will do if it doesn't work.  I don't know how I will function if I get that phone call.  I've been thinking I will have the docs office call Brady, because I've convinced my self that I can tell the answer from the tone of the nurses voice when I answer the call.  I'm in a little bit of a weird place right now with all of this and I'm not sure how much of that has to do with the fact that I am pumped full of so many syntetic hormones that I cry when the grocery store is out of my favorite salad drressing, but I'm trying to think good thoughts because if I don't have that, I might as well give up now.  I have to remember that we are good people, that we will be great parents and that this is going to happen for us. I know it.