At least that is what I am hoping my follicles are. I have had two stimulation phase checkups in the last four days and I'm having a hard time staying upbeat. My first check was Thursday of last week, I am at the point in the game where I am seeing the Magic Man every other day now for ultrasounds and blood draws to check on the status of my follicles and hormone levels. Surprisingly enough my left ovary, the one that had the cyst, is the one responding best follicle wise. Clearly it felt bad for the setback and is attempting to overcompensate, I have about four good sized follicles growing on that side. My right side is my problem child at the moment, while I have an ok number of follicles in this ovary (about 5 or 6) they are not growing very well (around 6-8mm). On Thursday's apt the magic man thought maybe we would be looking at egg retrieval on Wednesday of this week, but after today's apt it is looking like that probably won't be the case. My left side follies are doing ok but still too small (around 12-15mm) for retrieval, the lead follicles need to be around 18-22mm for that to happen. I left the office feeling a little down after this information this morning. It just seems like we keep hitting these road blocks at every step, I know it doesn't mean the end for this cycle and that we are still hanging in there, but I was hoping for like, big huge follicles and maybe even a gold star on my chart or something.
We have also reached the point where we have maxed out our insurance for the IVF. We are incredibly fortunate to have had insurance cover any of the process, most don't and we are extremely thankful to have had the first 10k covered. I have had to make my first trip to the pharmacy for refills on the meds sans insurance. Our Follistim shot, which I get every night @ 300 IUs is $520 per vial, we get two shots per vial so that's $260 a shot, and that is only one of the three I get daily. I am again reminded how lucky we are to even be able to go through this process and try to think of that every time I get sticker shock on a prescription or lab test. We have some friends who have gone through IVF to have children and they joke that their cars are paid off but their kids aren't. I have a whole new appreciation for this.
This week also marked the first time I've broken down in tears because of the shots. It's getting harder and harder to find spots on my tummy that aren't sore from previous shots and though Brady has now perfected his technique on the big ones I still cringe and close my eyes. One night this week I was attempting to give myself the Lupron shot (small insulin needle) while Brady prepped the Follistim shot. I have given myself a few shots, it's not terrible and I thought I kind of had it down, not this time. My first attempt didn't go in, and my second (on a now duller needle) failed as well and all of a sudden I just lost it. I know I am on the hormone roller coaster, I know that and yet I was still surprised that I was crying in frustration at my inability to get the damn shot to go in. It was more than just the physical part that got to me, it was the psychosomatic part as well, I was holding the needle and pinching my tummy and I was just thinking of how it was going to feel and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was annoyed at my hesitation and overall lack of resolve. It's just a shot, a momentary little prick of pain and it's over, I've been repeating this mantra daily for weeks now and all of a sudden it just wasn't cutting it. Brady had to eventually give me the shot and it hurt quite a bit more than usual, of course it could just be my inner 5 year old thinking that. Speaking of my inner 5 year old, I've completely reverted to the days when I used to go to the doctor and look forward to the lollipop or treat post shot. These days it's ice cream bars covered in chocolate and almonds that is my consolation prize. Every night at 9 I lay down on the couch and cover my face with a blanket and try to hold still for the injections and when Brady is done he gives me a kiss on the forehead and brings me one. It turns my frown upside down.
Hopefully Monday's check-up brings some more positive news, in the meantime I'm going to give my ovaries nightly pep talks and maybe even promise them some ice cream when it's all over.
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